Invader DIM
by Thursday's Dove
Summary: This is a crazy parody of several things: Invader ZIM, Hamtaro, and Vegeta. It's about a sadistic little hamster named Dim, who plots on taking over the world! And... Vegeta's the protagonist? What is this! Details inside!
1. Meet the Bad Hams and Vegeta the Protago...

**[A/N:** Hokay, I have gone through and edited this for typos and such. I'm so glad people have enjoyed what I wrote of this story! I did write it about six years ago as of the date I am making this update. I do have plans to write more, and hopefully it'll be every bit as amusing as the first three chapters. :)

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Hamtaro, Invader Zim, or Vegeta (or anything DBZ-related, in fact). I do not own any labels or products, etc. that you know to exist in real life with their own copyrights, I am merely borrowing them for use in this story. I do, however, own Dim, the Bad Hams, and the plot of this story. You figure out the rest.**]**

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A very high-pitched, constant beeping sound sounded from the dead silence of the early morning, awakening the young hamster from a deep slumber. The ironically cute little fuzz ball (and you'll later know exactly why this is ironic) grumbled as it moved from its soft bed made of chewed cedar shavings and into the vibrantly colored plastic tunnels that connected its bedchamber to its food and water supply area and recreational area.

This hamster was very cute. In fact, that was a dramatic understatement. It was black with white ears and feet and tail and muzzle. Two very brightly glowing blue eyes dwelled amongst the white whiskers that gracefully emerged from its white muzzle. Yet, a bewildering sense of some distant hint of sadistic nature lurked within those ever-so-blue eyes.

The hamster mumbled to itself, "Another day, another scheme to plot."

Its voice was so smooth, so cool, so self-assured that it chilled the immediate area around it to a frigid silence, as if air could possess the human feeling of fear. Its voice, for reference, sounded pretty much like Android Seventeen's, only it had a twist of a Russian accent.

Now, I could go on and on about this magnificent masterpiece of a rodent, but I must introduce our next character. The hamster's owner was in all truth the very opposite of the hamster itself. For simplicity's sake, I'll first-off tell you the person's name. Vegeta. Yes, Vegeta, as in the first half of the word vegetables. Furthermore, to be cruel, his last name was Bles, and he vigorously claimed it to be pronounced "bless" as opposed to "bulls," but don't listen to him, it is indeed pronounced "bulls."

Vegeta Bles was... not attractive-like and stuff. He had cruelly spiked (vertical, completely vertical, and I mean it) black hair that appeared as though he had tried to taste a wall outlet as an infant and the result had been… well, you guess. His eyes had no color; they were simply black. Okay, so he lacks control of his hair and lacks eye color, and his attitude reflection his hideous outward appearance even more.

Vegeta's attitude was a mixture of several things: A PMS'ing female Saiya-jin, a severely constipated and pent-up senile old man, but most of all, like a constantly ticking and rapidly exploding time bomb. Sometimes he could go days without showing much anger at all (aside from the normal asshole routine, that is), but for anyone who knows Vegeta, this was just the calm before the hurricane. It would by only a matter of time before he was set off into a blinding fury of ki beam frenzies, whereupon he'd swear God's name in several alien tongues.

He also liked fuzzy animals and rainbows. It's assumed he liked puppies and hamsters the most, hence why he owned a hamster.

So Vegeta Bles, a hot-tempered, relatively young man with super spiky hair and a face that suggests that he hit every branch on the way down from the ugly tree, awoke to the sound of the earlier mentioned synchronized beeping of an alarm clock.

He grumbled just as the hamster had as he got out of bed, rubbing sleep from his tired eyes. The black and white hamster watched him with his watery blue eyes.

_The human awakens, I see. Human? Ha! "Beast" is a more suitable adjective for him. Ugly, stinky like a trash bag, and he gives me the cheap brand of hamster pellets. What a hideous creature. How did I end up in his hands?_ the hamster thought to himself. It was pretty much the same thing he pondered every morning. This little bugger had a one-track mind that always focused on complaining about everything his little eyes saw.

Vegeta's eyes opened wide and met with those of the hamster. "Hello, Dim. Ready for your morning walk?" he asked.

_Dim, huh? Yes, we'll see who's dim in the end, you two watt light bulb. I am surprised that that electricity-induced hair of yours doesn't cause your two watt brain to light up and make it light your eyes like headlights on an automobile. But nah, you aren't bright enough to pull that off, stupid beastly human,_ the hamster's brain echoed harsh thoughts indeed.

But rather than saying something (sarcastic) in return, Dim just blinked innocently up at his owner with his ever-so-blue blue eyes. Vegeta opened up the cage and reached in and roughly picked up the squirming fuzzwad. The hamster growled.

_Gentle, human, gentle! I am not a football, I am a hamster! _Dim looked down at the unguarded skin of Vegeta._ I should bite you, but I'll just wait for a better opportunity. You're lucky, stupid human._

Vegeta harnessed Dim and led him down the sidewalk on a leash. Many other people who were up early as well were walking their dogs. They just blinked at the odd sight of an ugly man walking a cute, but evil, hamster on a leash. One dog, a huge Rottweiler/German Shepherd mix, was so out of control that it pulled its master behind him as if he was on jet skis. The immense canine stalked up to tiny Dim and barked and snarled viciously at him. Dim just sat there on his haunches, staring.

_I hate dogs. Disgusting, smelly wads of flea-infested, disease-carrying fur with teeth and a loud bark. They're too bossy._

The dog drooled all over the hamster, covering him in the appalling saliva.

_You'll be the first one to die, you salivating beast. Your only reason for existing is for me to kill you._

Dim glared at the dog, a disturbing glare, an unnerving glare. So unnerving was this glare that the dog went from rabid to tame in a moment. The once-snarling dog backed away whimpering, tail between its legs in submission. And when Dim took one step in the dog's direction, the beast did a complete 180, darted between its master's legs, twisting him up in the leash even more, and took off, dragging its master on the concrete behind it.

_That's right, doggy, run; run as far away from me as you can. Although no distance is far enough,_ Dim sneered after the dog.

Soon after the dog ran off, all the other dogs in the area became submissive as well. Dim just sat there and smiled a sadistic little smile. Vegeta Bles was confused, but he shrugged and went on anyway.

Once home again, Dim was placed back into his cage, rather roughly I might add. He snarled at Vegeta as he left the room.

"The dog will die second. You will die first!!" Dim hissed to himself.

The cold-hearted little rodent made off for his bedchamber. He burrowed in the cedar shavings and surfaced moments later holding a pair of wire-cutters . Holding them in his mouth, Dim ran back through the labyrinth of tunnels and into the food and recreational area once again.

"And now for my grand escape! Ha ha ha!!" Dim cackled and cut the wire on the door that had been preventing him from getting out. He had attempted to escape earlier the same year just by lifting up the caged door, and Vegeta had tied a hard metal wire around several bars that connected the door to the cage bars.

Snip, snip, snip, snnnnip.

The metal wires fell apart loosely. With a satisfied grin, Dim lifted up the cage door with ease and slipped through the opening. The hamster was so quiet as he darted around the room that the moon slipping through the night sky made more noise than he did.

On his way under the bedroom door, he heard a very loud, very off-pitch noise. It was someone singing… _Vegeta_ singing!!

"I can fly higher than an eagle!!! You are the wind beneath my… WIIIINNNGGSSSS!!" the coarse voice rang throughout the house, filling every crevice with the shrill anti-harmonious noise.

_Eck, is that even considered singing, or the slaughtering of a pig? It's nauseating!!_ Dim gagged as the "singing" continued.

The black hamster squeezed under the door. And just as he was about to make it under, the door flew open, and someone stormed in. Luckily, for him, he had ducked just in time to avoid being thrown up against the wall and crushed by the door.

_Phew! I'm a lucky little nocturnal creature, no? _He looked up at who had thrown the door open with such force. _Uh oh… the beastly human is in for it!!_

Dim scurried away in fear.

There was but one creature ever born in the universe that Dim (and even Vegeta) feared...

Koya, Vegeta's wife, was a demanding, brutal woman. Either Vegeta did as she ordered of him or he'd go to bed without dinner. Of course Vegeta took this as an insulting threat, but what could he do about it? HE was only a man, after all.

Dim was afraid of Koya because the demonic woman held and petted him too roughly. Sure, she thought he was the cutest, fuzziest little thing, but his vital organs could only withstand so much pressure. It didn't matter how many times he bit her, she never stopped crushing him.

Dim hid in a shoe that was lying out in the middle of the hallway.

"Vegeta Bles!!" the woman screeched as she pounded on the bathroom door. "Are you drowning in the toilet again?!?!??!?!"

"No, woman!!" he yelled back.

"My name's _Koya_, you dolt! And stop singing, it sounds like the cat got caught in the dryer again!!"

Before Vegeta could reply, the psycho woman hurricaned back out of the room, slamming the door behind her. The house shuddered; so did poor little Dim. When Satan returned to the living room, leaving Dim all alone in the hallway, Dim peeped out from the shoe and peered around timidly.

_Coast is clear._

And he was off!! Dim scurried down the hallway. He saw freedom up ahead, and then two large hands swooped down from above and swept him off his feet.

_Eeeep! Busted!_ Dim's brain echoed in alarm.

"What're you doin' outta yer cage, Dimmy?" Koya said in a cutesy voice that made Dim cringe and nearly soil himself.

_Trying to escape this purgatory!_ he almost thought aloud, but kept his mouth shut.

"You bad little Ham Ham!" Koya scolded.

And the treacherous squeezing began. Dim's blue eyes bugged out of his skull.

Koya took her index finger and tapped him on the nose a couple of times. "Naughty Dim! Bad Dim! Bad, naughty, evil Dim!"

Finally, Dim couldn't take it anymore.

"Yes, evil is the perfect adjective for a mastermind such as myself," he said in an evil tone.

Koya stared at the little hamster as if he were possessed. She began to tremble in utter disbelief. "You... you can t-talk?" she stammered.

Dim quirked a brow. "Are humans that dense? Tell me, do I appear as though I have nothing to say?" Koya could do nothing but nod. "Then you are a foolish swine. Humans, the mildew of this planet, I will mop you all up like a... a... a mop!! A really big, powerful mop that… can mop things, and… Put me down already!" he snapped.

Koya instinctively obeyed without hesitation, still wide-eyed. Dim crawled out of her slightly trembling hands.

"Tell that despicable husband of yours that doom is coming his way," Dim warned, turned tail, and crawled through an opening (that he had chewed out earlier) in the screen door. Koya remained behind, still staring.

Once out of the house, and not on a leash, Dim ran around freely and energetically, like every hamster should. He darted down the street and into a yard about six houses down from Purgatory. He ran into a burrow that was next to the base of the largest tree in the backyard.

_Wait for me guys, just wait for ol' Dim!! _

Finally, he reached the end of all the twisting and turning tunnels and nearly fell down hyperventilating.

"Hey, Dim! There you are, o fearless leader!" one of the other hamsters greeted.

"Did the master give you a spot of trouble, 'ey Dim?" another one said.

"I can handle that stupid twit of a human, it's that hideous wife of his I have trouble with," he replied, finally catching his breath. "And Evil is not called _Dimmy_!!"

The Bad Hams. That's their cult name. I'll now briefly identify the Bad Hams. First, of course, there's Dim, but you already have an intimate understanding of this disturbed hamster, so we'll move right along. And right now I'm too lazy to describe the rest of them, so I'll just list their names: Red, Aech, Feco, Starre, Jenga, Mange, Joe-Joe, and Nil.

Nil is a special enough hamster to be thoroughly described. She was Dim's girlfriend. Nil was a white fuzzy hamster with black ears, tail, muzzle, and paws. She was just as disturbed as her boyfriend (if not, more) Dim. Nil liked to torture creatures smaller and more helpless than herself, sometimes (quite often) even larger ones. She feared no man, woman, child, creature, beast, plant, or situation. She was an inconceivably fearless, unwavering, aggressive hamster. Thus, Nil was the perfect... soul mate, match made in heaven (in this case, hell), or whatever for Dim.

So that's pretty much all you need to know about the Bad Hams, for now. Nil came up to Dim, her cold yellow eyes reflecting distant evil in them, the same as Dim's eyes. She smiled widely yet chaotically.

"So, did you kill that wretched owner of yours yet?" she asked.

"Unfortunately, no. But I desperately await the day I can chew the eyes out of that Neanderthal's thick, dense skull," Dim hissed.

"Hey, Pops!!" a teenage male hamster greeted, coming up from behind the other Bad Hams.

"Ahh, Kal, my son. Come hither," Dim motioned for his teenage son to come over to him.

Kal was a slender, but well-built, fellow. He was a peppery gray colored kid with glowing green eyes and a punk-style hair cut: his fur on his head was spiked up in a most unruly manner, and was furthermore dyed an obnoxious hue of green. He was a major chick-magnet and was charming to a fault. Girl hamsters (and sometimes gerbils) would not leave him alone.

Batteries. Toilet. Bloop!!!

"Kal, Kal, Kal, Mr. Popular With The Girls, how are things?" Dim asked Kal.

Kal grinned. "Just rad, Dad. So, you still takin' me with you? Y'know, when you go to take over the world?"

"Yep." Dim put an arm around his son and ruffled up his hair a bit.

"All right, let me go now, man, you're embarrassing me!" Kal growled and pulled away.

Dim smirked. _Hmm... I think the time has come for us Bad Hams to act. Operation Battery Acid shall commence!!_

He cackled maniacally. Kal joined him. And soon, Nil did as well, followed by the rest of the Bad Hams.

(Commercial break!)

Coming soon!! Dozens of Batteries arise spontaneously from the depths of toilets and begin revolting against mankind!! Join the thrilling, mischievous chase in "Bloop! the Rebellious Battery!"

(And now back to "Invader DIM", and pals!)

"Question, Dad. What exactly is the operation?" Kal curiously questioned, blinking his emerald green eyes in inquiry.

"Son, I thought I already told you. Weren't you not listening to me?" Dim glared sternly at his only son. A sweatdrop formed on the back of Kal's fuzzy head.

"N-n-not really."

Dim folded his stubby arms. "And why not?"

A few more sweatdrops formed. "I was sleepy and the lesson was so—"

"Don't you dare say boring! If you say boring, your skateboard is sawdust!!"

"—Daydream-inducing," Kal finished.

Dim lifted a brow and glared scathingly at his teenage son, who was shifting uncomfortably under the gaze of his father.

"The operation, young man, is called Operation Battery Acid," Red said in his deep, rumbling voice.

"We're gonna pour butt-loads of potent battery acid in reservoirs, water filtration systems, and desalinization plants," Mange added.

"Ohhhh, cool," Kal awed.

"Right. Now that we're all on the same page, it's time to write a new chapter in hamster history!" Dim said, standing up tall and proud for a dramatic effect.

"But Dad, I don't like writing. It's—"

"It was a metaphor, you freak son of mine!!" Dim yelled, agitated to a near bitter insanity.

"All right, all right!!" Kal huffed and folded his arms, like an obstinate child throwing a fit.

_That boy is too stubborn and rebellious. He will ruin my whole plan if I don't watch him closely._ Dim narrowed his eyes at his son in a suspicious glare. _Hmm…_


	2. Invader DIM theme song

**[A/N:** This is sang to the tune of the Hamtaro theme song played at the end of the American episodes! :D **]**

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Jenga, Joe-Joe, Red, Aech, Feco, Kal, Starre, Mange, and Nil, let's go!  
Gajen, Oje-Oje, Lin, Der, Cofe, Lak, Chae, Restar, Geman, Invader Dim!

Hamster,  
Bad Ham,  
Trick Tricky,  
Kill Kill,  
Battery Acid,  
Evil Grin,  
Invader Dim!

Blah blah blah blah blah, ooh, nah nah nah  
Blah blah blah blah, ooh, nah nah  
Blah blah blah blah blah, ooh, nah nah nah  
Blah blah blah blah, ooh, nah nah blah

Let's break a dish, ooh ooh ooh, let's go kill too  
Killin' along with us is all you do  
Come on and shoot 'em through the chest, ooh ooh ooh  
Get up Hamtaro, do your best  
All of our hate goes to you

Come on and fling this explosive well  
It's just for you  
Think of all the destruction we'll bring  
Invader Dim will throw the stones at you  
This is our doom song, come on and sing

Jenga, Joe-Joe, Red, Aech, Feco, Kal, Starre, Mange, and Nil, let's go!  
Gajen, Oje-Oje, Lin, Der, Cofe, Lak, Chae, Restar, Geman, Invader Dim!

Little hamsters, mass destruction,  
In Invader Dim!

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**[PS:** Here's how you pronounce a few of the Bad Hams' names:

Jenga: Jane-gah  
Aech: H (yep, just like the letter!)  
Feco: Fee-co (almost like fecal ;) )  
Starre: Star-ray

The others, I believe, sound as they look. n.n **]**


	3. Operation Battery Acid Shall Now Commenc...

Vegeta Bles stepped out of the shower and grabbed the towel from the rack. He used it to dry off his hair. The pointy-haired Saiya-jin prince wrapped the towel around his waist (sorry Vegeta-fans, no Veggie-nudity for you!) and walked out of the bathroom, humming a little bit of the Hamtaro theme song.

The house was quiet... too quiet for comfort. His eyes reflected a vague suspicion that something had gone wrong while he had been freshening up.

_Why hasn't that damn woman yelled at me in so long?!_ Vegeta thought, looking around frantically, paranoid that she was hiding behind something and was going to jump out at him. Then he noticed that Dim's cage was empty!!

"Dim!! Where'd you go?!" Vegeta exclaimed, running up to his beloved pet hamster's cage.

At that exact moment, Koya came running into the room. Vegeta didn't even hear his psychotic wife enter the room, as he was too busy looking for little Dim.

"Vegeta! Vegeta! That hamster of yours, he... he...!" the woman stammered, standing behind Vegeta.

But Vegeta completely ignored the ranting woman. Nothing was more important to him than his precious, cute little hamster Dimmy!!

Koya continued to rant and rave until, finally, the ugly Saiya-jin spun around and roared at her, "Damn it, Woman, I'm looking for my damn hamster, NOW SHUT UP UNTIL I SAY YOU CAN SPEAK AGAIN!!" The words slapped her in the face just as his saliva did. Koya snapped her mouth shut and stood there idly, pouting.

Vegeta pushed out a heavy, aggravated sigh and went back to searching for little Dim. He was searching the hamster cage so diligently that he had no clue of what was going on behind him.

From out of nowhere, Dim and all the Bad Hams leapt on the paranoid Koya. Koya struggled violently and went to scream for her deranged husband to help her, but a sock had been stuffed in her mouth by Starre just as she opened it to scream. The maniacal little rodents frantically tied ropes around her wrists and ankles.

"To the closet with the wench!" Dim ordered, leading the way. Vegeta didn't hear that either, of course, nor did he see them drag off his wife. There was even a loud thud that came from Koya hitting the floor when she was pulled down.

With inhuman (er, inhamster, rather) strength, the Bad Hams pulled the bitchy woman into the closet and slammed it shut. Vegeta Bles STILL didn't turn around.

Five minutes later, Vegeta at last gave up his desperate search for the escaped black hamster. "All right," he said, "You can speak now, Woman."

There was no answer, except for the silence that had strangely befallen the cold room. Vegeta shivered; he WAS still in only a towel, after all.

"I said you could speak now!"

When there was no answer again, he angrily flipped around, eyes red with a fiery rage. "Woman, I said—"

He cut himself off when he saw that Koya had vanished. _Where'd that blasted woman go NOW?!_ he mentally growled.

Out loud, he said, "Koya?" in a worried tone.

If the room got any colder, ice would've begun to form on things (although ice formation on Vegeta's heart wouldn't matter, it'd merely be a second coating). Once again, the Saiya-jin shivered.

Then he heard it, muffled screaming coming from his closet. Very timidly (and while slightly trembling), Veggie-boy crept up to the closet. He put his hand around the door knob, and, after slowly turning the brass handle, pulled the door open very quickly.

"ATTACK!!!" Dim commanded as the door was thrown open.

And the hamsters hissed like the rabid squirrel that hissed at Tara and leapt on and clung to Vegeta's face. His eyes shot open to the size of coals as this happened. Then he danced all over his freezing room, trying to get the miniscule beasts off his "beautiful" face. He shook his head violently to and fro in the attempt o throw the creatures off.

"Get offa me now, you little rats, or I'll blast you all to HFIL!!" Vegeta hissed in his typical bad-ass tone.

"Bad Hams, halt!" Dim ordered.

The movement immediately ceased; all the hamsters jumped off the Saiya-jin and onto his bed, where their leader, Dim, sat in the middle. Vegeta's eyes widened even more at seeing his hamster.

"D-Dim? There you are!"

Vegeta Bles went to scoop up his dearest little hamster, having forgotten about being attacked, but all the Bad Hams stood in front of their leader, growling as ferociously as hamsters could, fur standing up on their backs.

"What's this?!" Veggie inquired.

"We're the Bad Hams!" they all said in unison.

"Yeah!!" Kal shouted above the others. He lunged out into the spotlight, wearing his heroic Great Saiyaham outfit. Then he started doing a number of ridiculous poses as he rapped. "Hiya ho, here we go! We're the Hams with the plans to uplift the— OWW!!!"

He was interrupted by his father smacking him roughly over the back of his fuzzy little head. Kal rubbed furiously where he had been hit; a red lump popped up, anime style.

"What was _that_ for, Dad?!" Kal yelled in pain.

"I told you to stop that ridiculous Great Saiyaham nonsense!! It embarrasses me!" he roared. Kal winced, still dressed in his crazy outfit. "I raised a successor, not a loony toon, clownish, cheerleading gerbil!!"

Kal narrowed his green eyes at his father and lowered his voice. "That's what YOU think, o dearest Father..." he muttered darkly.

Dim didn't hear that. He turned back to Vegeta, who was still staring, unblinking.

"And now, my dearest stupid owner, you can come watch as we set Operation Battery Acid in motion!! HAHAHA!!!" the sadistic little hamster cackled maniacally. Vegeta began to shiver in fear, quite noticeably not to mention. "Bad Hams, capture him!!"

With that shouted command, each of the Bad Hams, save Nil, lunged on the dazed Vegeta once again. Jenga and Red held rope in their mouths and, while running around Vegeta's legs in opposite directions, tied him up around the ankles. The rest of the Bad Hams had to work together to get Veggie's wrists tightly tied.

"Dim, why are you doing this?!" Vegeta demanded, struggling violently, trying to get loose.

Dim lowered his head and let his cold blue eyes work on Vegeta's resolve. "Because I can, dear owner..." was his simple reply.

"But, you—!!" Vegeta was cut off as Joe-Joe and Mange slapped a thick strip of duct tape over his mouth. Vegeta yelled from his throat furiously.

Dim roared with laughter so hard that he had to close his eyes and hold his sides. He laughed long and hard. When he finally calmed down enough for him to open his eyes, he wished he hadn't opened them...

Vegeta stood there, without a single thread on his entire body, as naked as the day his mother's womb expelled his hideous self. Since Vegeta's hands had been tied up, he had no way of catching his towel should it have slipped off by chance. Well, that chance swung by. His towel lay around his tied up ankles. Dim was floored with disgust. The other hamsters snickered uncontrollably. Vegeta was blushing. Koya was... smiling...

"For sakes unmentionable, get a censor bar over here post haste! Aech, Mange, Joe-Joe, SOMEONE!!!!!!" Dim yelped, covering his eyes, turning as green as Kal's dyed hair, and nearly vomiting.

Still snickering, the three Bad Hams he had mentioned by name walked out of the room and walked back in seconds later with a huge black rectangle. They got on the bed, which came up to just below their target spot, and jumped forward, wrapping the black censor bar around Vegeta's waist. It stuck like a strong adhesive. If Dim had anything to say about it, he'd see to it that the damn bar stayed there forever.

Dim, poor Dim, timidly uncovered his little eyes. Now he was paranoid and scarred for life (if it's possible to mentally damage an insane bad guy, that is). Dim cleared his throat with as much dignity as he could summon.

"Now that that disturbing little incident is over... Operation Battery Acid shall now commence!!!"

(Commercial break!)

Do do do do do DO!

What rolls down stairs and under chairs and over your neighbor's dog? What's great for a snack and fits on your back, it's Log, Log, Log! It's Log, it's Log, it's big, it's heavy, it's wood. It's Log, it's Log, it's better than bad, it's good! Come on and get your Log. You're gonna love this Log. Everyone loves the Log. Everyone needs a Log.

Log!! From Blammo!!

De de de de de de de, DE DE!!

(And now back to "Invader DIM"!)

Getting Vegeta into the reservoir was no problem for the Bad Hams. They simply tied wheels to his back and strung him along (at least he's no longer high strung, *snicker snicker*). Koya was the real nuisance. She kept screaming until she wore out the mucous lining in her throat to the point that it bled painfully.

By the end of the trip to the reservoir, Dim's head felt like Zeus' did before Athena popped out of it. The little black hamster chewed on one of Koya's fingers for her troubles.

"Bad Hams, we have arrived at destination three without casualties!!" Dim announced happily.

The Bad Hams cheered. Vegeta grumbled, the censor bar still happily in place (please, spare us all the nightmares).

"Bring in the battery acid!!" Dim ordered to Mange.

"Sure thing, Boss."

"GAHHH!! Do NOT call me Boss! That is a Ham Ham!!!" Dim felt offended that Mange had called him Boss, a hamster from Hamtaro. Dim was NOT a hamster from Hamtaro; he was a hamster from Hell.

"Sorry Bo— I mean, Fearless Leader," Mange corrected and ran off.

"Stupid good hamsters... they make our race look all cute and cuddly and innocent," Dim muttered to himself.

A beeping sound filled the scene as about a dozen trucks, being driven by other hamsters who worked for Dim but were not Bad Hams, backed up to the open reservoir.

The sinister, cold-blue eyes hamster sneered. "Excellent..." he slithered, like Mr. Burns from "The Simpsons".

"Back up, boys. Keep backin'! More! Come on!" Mange directed the backing-up trucks to their designated spaces.

Vegeta stared from his constraints in horror at what was going on. _Hamsters can DRIVE?! What's next, they use walkie talkies?_

It's funny that Vegeta thought that, because the very moment that he thought that, Mange took out a walkie talkie, and so did Dim. Vegeta's face reflected the look that says, "Why'd I even think about it?"

"On schedule, Fearless Leader. Awaiting the okay to dump," the mangy hamster said.

"Great work, Bad Ham #5." Dim paused for a moment to snicker a bit in anticipation of the misery that'd follow the dumping of battery acid in the drinking water reservoir. "Start dump—"

"HEY!!!" a voice interrupted. Dim and the rest of the Bad Hams leapt into the air, startled. Dim himself almost toppled into the water below.

Dim glared in undiluted horror at where the voice had come from. Vegeta had somehow managed to get the duct tape off his mouth.

"How did YOU get loose?!" Dim growled in frustration.

"Well, what do you know, Woman, you're good for somethin' after all!" Vegeta said to Koya, who was holding the strip of duct tape in her still-tied up hands. Koya glared sharp, pointy daggers at her husband (why she even bothered to marry someone who's ugly in every aspect possible is beyond you and me both, dear reader).

"Never mind how you got loose; I've decided I don't wanna know. Starre! Get a new piece of tape! This time _sew_ it on!" Dim ordered.

"Sir!" Starre replied obediently and pulled a strip of duct tape, a sewing needle, and some thread from nowhere.

Starre was about to slap on the tape when Vegeta spoke up, jerking his mouth away from it. "Dim, aren't you forgetting something?" Dim's eyes stared into Vegeta's. "You're stupid, Dim! The water filtration systems will just filter out your battery acid!! You may as well be trying to talk sense into the author of this story!"

Dim threw back his head in wild laughter. "Oh you pitiful human!! You really think I'd forget something so significant?! You ignorant, pathetic beast!!!!" Dim howled.

"How dare you call the Prince of Saiya-jins a HUMAN!??!" If Vegeta could only get his hands on that annoying little rodent!!

"You're the Prince of Nothing, dear late owner! All your race are become to dust!" Dim teased. Vegeta just blinked at the insane little freak of a rodent. "Anyway, my son here has taken care of that little problem, right, Kal?" Dim said, looking over to his son.

Kal's green eyes looked up at hearing his name. "Do what now?'

Dim began to boil and fume and his son's stupidity. "The filtration systems, Kal!! You turned them off, didn't you?!??!"

_Oh Great Gatsby's, don't let him say "Do what now?"..._ Dim silently prayed.

There was a thirty second pause as Kal appeared to be in deep thought. At last, he looked up and said, "Do what now?"

Steam escaped form Dim's ears. "KAL!!! YOU MORONIC SON OF MINE!! GO TURN OFF THOSE SYSTEMS RIGHT NOW!!!" Dim yelled, infuriated.

Kal shrugged, unmoved. "Yeah yeah yeah, I got it, whatever."

He ran off towards the filtration systems.

_That boy is gonna ruin everything! I need another son,_ Dim thought.

Suddenly, two seconds later, Kal came running back with a blank, confused look on his face. "Do what now?" he said.

Dim felt his veins nearly explode from his boiling blood. "Kal, go turn off the filtration systems!" Dim repeated.

"Yeah yeah, no problem, whatever."

He ran off again. Dim sighed in exhaustion.

_What did I do to deserve—_

His thoughts were interrupted by Kal once again.

"Do what now?"

"Turn off the water filtration systems, you idiot!!"

"Yeah yeah yeah, I got it, no problem."

Off he ran... again. Oh no, deja vu! There's a glitch in the Matrix!! We're all doomed!!

Dim was afraid to think this time. Ten seconds passed and he felt it was safe to do so.

_I'm gonna kill—_

"Do what now?" Kal asked... AGAIN.

"TURN OFF THE DAMN FILTRATION SYSTEMS, KAL!!!!!"

"All right all right, I got it, yeah."

_That damn well better be the last time he runs back!!!_

Dim held his breath, hoping his stupid son would pull through this time.

Two minutes passed; Kal had not returned, to Dim's relief. He was about to sigh in relief when his walkie talkie indicated that someone was trying to reach him. He sighed and turned it on.

"Do what now?"


	4. I Am the Great Saiyaham!

After being traumatized by the phenomenal stupidity of his son, Dim crawled up onto Vegeta's stomach and started cleaning himself. Vegeta glared grudgingly at the damned little ball of fuzz that was, until recently, his beloved pet hamster. Now the Saiya-jin Prince wanted nothing more than to stuff the wretched little beast up the tailpipe of a rusty old pick-up truck.

"Nil!" Dim called for his girlfriend.

The beautiful, yet sadistic, Nil heard her name and went to see what her dearest boyfriend wanted. "Yes, dear?" she inquired, sitting next to him on Vegeta's heaving, bare chest.

"Get behind my ears, please, my beautiful lotus blossom," he requested.

"Yes, of course, Dimmy."

Dim growled a little at hearing that despicable nickname. It reminded him of Koya's treacherous treatment. Nil merely smirked a bit at this and proceeded to nibble and lick behind his ears. Dim's eyes rolled up in delight, causing him to shiver a bit.

"Y'know, Dimmy, Nil started. Dim growled again. "You shouldn't be so hostile towards Kal. I mean, he is your son after all," Nil said softly in between nibbles.

Dim pushed out a heavy sigh, his son's multiple "Do what now?"s echoing through his head, renewing the pain. "Yes I do. That boy is a miserable embarrassment to me. Nay, to Bad Hams everywhere! I am ashamed to be the one who created such an idiotic boy!" the little black hamster ranted.

Nil nibbled a little harsher than usual, eliciting a surprised flinch from Dim.

"If he disappoints you so much, I apologize. I had no say in how he'd turn out. Maybe you were too strict on him."

"_Too_ strict?! I obviously was not strict _enough_!! He is more rebellious than I was as a kid!"

"There you have it, dearest Dim. Now you know where he gets his unruly attitude from."

"Certainly not me!"

Nil threw back her head and laughed mockingly. Dim tilted his fuzzy head and blinked up at her in question. "Oh Dim, you make me laugh! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!"

Vegeta and Koya and the rest of the Bad Hams just sweatdropped and stared up at the psychotic girlfriend of Dim.

The laughter died down within a minute (or maybe it was a thousand; big difference).

"Are you quite finished yet, Nil?" Dim asked in irritation.

The white hamster nodded a bit and heaved a breath. Apparently, she hadn't laughed like that in years.

"Yes, I'm sorry, Dimmy," Nil apologized. "But Dim..." She cleared her throat a bit. "Even if you are not pleased by your first son... maybe you'll be please by your second."

An unnerving silence settled upon all present in the reservoir room. Dim quirked an ignorant brow at her.

"Have I another son that I am not aware of?" Dim questioned.

Nil almost face-faulted. "Well, now you _are_ aware!"

---

While Kal looked around for the switch to turn off the filtration systems, he danced about with elegant, yet somewhat retarded, fluency. He sang out strange little hamster noises to go with the beat of his dance.

"Hiya ho, here we go! I'm the ham with the plan to uplift the skateboard, and root out of school, 'til we're no longer bored! Hiya! Wa-hoe, uh-huh, now you understand that I'm the—mmhmm, mmhmm—Great Saiyaham!!" he rapped, dressed as the Great Saiyaham, and danced around like, as his father so often coldly and bluntly stated, a cheerleader.

He stood there, huffing breathlessly with his arms stretched above his head. The chirping of a cricket was heard. Kal put his arms down and scratched his head.

"Where's that darn switch?" he asked out loud.

The cricket chirped a small response. Kal's green eyes narrowed.

"Where are you, cricket?" His emerald orbs flickered about, searching for the insolent insect.

There was no answer. Well, actually, the silence answered, but that would sound like nothing, therefore it holds no significance and should've never been mentioned, so never mind. Moving on!

Kal cleared his throat and moved on, quietly this time. His red cape trailed behind him, picking up so much dirt, filth, grime!

"It's gotta be around this joint somewhere," he said to himself.

Kal yawned while he was walkin' along when suddenly... oh no...! he tripped over a loose wire, and toppled down an entire flight of stairs!!! Kal! Kal, are you all right?!

"Yes, I'm just dandy," he groaned, staggering back to his feet.

That's good, Kal. Now we can move on with the story.

"Well, get on with it then!" Kal snapped.

I will! Ahem. Anyway... so after Kal got back to his feet—er, paws (sigh)—he noticed that a piece of metal he had fallen on was bent downward. Gee, he _fell_ right into that one didn't he? Oh, but it wasn't just any piece of metal... it was...

"THE SWITCH!!" the hamster exclaimed, nearly leaping out of his white Great Saiyaham boots.

In his clumsy trip down the stairs, Kal had accidentally landed on the switch to turn off the filtration systems. He smiled victoriously and took out his walkie-talkie thingy.

KHHSCH! "Dad! Come in, Dad!" KHHSCH!

KHHSCH! "What d'ya want, Kal?" KHHSCH!

KHHSCH! "I've turned the systems off!" KHHSCH! KHHSCH! "Mission accomplished!" KHHSCH!

KHHSCH! (Isn't this getting annoying?) "Good job, son!!" KHHSCH!

_He... he complimented me! …And he called me "son"!!_ Kal's brain echoed.

KHHSCH! "Dad, aren't you so proud of me?" KHHSCH!

There was no answer. Only empty static flowed out of the walkie talkie.

(Commercial break!)

One day, an innocent boy named Saffire was yanked into a locker and eaten by something truly sinister. A series of horrible, chilling events followed. Read "The Crowbars Have Conspired!" on FictionPress and discover what happened to the students of '01-'02 at Olathe South high school!!!!

(Back to the show! Er, story.)

"Who was that, Boss?" Starre asked, climbing up on Vegeta Bles' bare chest. The censor bar was still thoroughly censoring Vegeta's "area," by the way. (Insert sounds of Vegeta fans cursing).

"First of all, it was Kal. Second of all..." Dim popped Starre over her thick head. "DON'T CALL ME 'BOSS'!! I AM _DIM_!!"

"Y-yes sir! S-sorry sir!" Starre stuttered, backing away nervously.

Dim narrowed his soul-shredding cold blue eyes at the trembling mass of fur and growled. Starre shrank to the size of a raisin under Dim's cold glare. The black hamster then harrumphed, stood up tall, and started his speech (Hint hint: Hitler-imitation scene).

"Rats! Gerbils! Hamsters!! Today is—"

Dim was cut off by Joe-Joe. "Uhh, sir... there are no rats or gerbils here. We're all hamsters," he pointed out sarcastically.

Dim scowled at being interrupted, and so rudely at that.

"One more outburst from anybody, and he or she will be tossed into the battery acid water!!" he hissed, sending a wave of ice over the congregation of domesticated rodents. The ice settled upon them like snow on a field.

"Where was I now? Took a bath, ignored my son, threatened Starre— Ahh yes! Ahem!" He cleared his throat and started all over again. "Bad Hams! We've reached the peak of our glorious plan to taking over the world!" A harmonious cheer rang out from the mouth of every hamster within the vicinity of Dim's Android Seventeen/Russian-accented voice.

"Yes, yes, yes, shut up!" And there was silence. He continued. "Kal has informed me that the filtration system switch has been turned off! We can now, at long last, proceed to the third phase of Operation Battery Acid! Alright, random hamsters-placed-in-the-story-for-simplicity's-sake, release the battery acid!!!!!"

Just as Dim shouted the order, Vegeta Bles sneezed violently and his chest convulsions flung Dim and Nil off like two rocks in a slingshot. The Bad Hams all hit the deck and covered their heads, as if dodging bullets being fired overhead. Dim and Nil were airborne for a few seconds before both of them were thrown into the crowd of Bad Hams and other hamsters. Vegeta found the entire flying-hamster disaster hilarious and laughed maniacally. Koya snickered a bit at seeing the little fuzz-wad get what he had been giving. Kal probably would've fallen down laughing had he been there to witness it.

---

Kal, poor Kal, slinked back in the direction of the reservoir his father and everyone else was at. He didn't cry, no, but his heart was hurting. Dim was never proud of his son. Dim always expected the rebellious boy to be exactly like him, which only made Kal rebel even more.

Kal stopped, looked up, and pushed out a sad, sad sigh. In the distance he saw the reservoir.

_I'm not goin' back. Let's see if he cares if I never return!_ Kal thought to himself, smirked, and then took off in another direction.

---

It took a while for the Bad Hams to untangle themselves from one another. Dim crawled out of the mess all ruffled up hamsters, but he still tried to appear dignified.

"Ahem. Nobody saw that happen!" Dim hissed, shooting a cold, serious glare at each of the Bad Hams. Each of the fuzzy demons gulped and nodded in unison. "Good, now we can—"

"Bwahahahaha!!! _I_ saw it, though! That was the funniest damn thing I've ever seen!!" Veggie-boy said.

Dim shuffled up to Vegeta, climbed up on his chest again, this time with a bungee cord firmly around his little body, and glared a soul-piercing glare at his until-recently owner.

"Not nearly as funny as the theories of how your hair came to be as it is, Power Line Boy," Dim retorted harshly.

"Why you—!"

"And not nearly as funny as _this_!!"

And with that, Dim jumped off Vegeta's naked chest and tried to push him into the water... Vegeta didn't budge. The black hamster sweatdropped.

"All right..." He turned around to face the group of staring Bad Hams. He had the anime face that looks like this ---- T_T() . "Bad Hams... a.k.a. IDIOTS ...that was your signal to get up AND HELP ME PUSH THIS BEAST INTO THE WATER!!!!!!"

The Bad Hams jumped and scrambled up to Vegeta, who was still naked and on his back.

"No! Wait! Let's not do anything regrettable here!" Veggie ranted.

"The only thing I regret is not killing you sooner, moronic human!!"

"Think again, Dim!" the Saiya-jin Prince said and, before Dim could blink, Vegeta was on his feet and out of his pants, er, ropes. Ahem.

"Ahh! How did you get loose?!!" Dim looked over and saw the rope in Koya's mouth. "Never mind, forget it! Prepare to meet your DOOM!! Jenga!! Call the Gunham!!" Dim commanded.

"Yes, Fearless Leader!" Jenga obeyed and took out a small joystick thingy. He pushed a button on it and gripped the stick, as if driving a video game vehicle or something.

A roar of engines was heard. And then, seconds later, a huge... robot thingy, slightly shorter than Vegeta (wait, is that possible?) burst in through the roof. All the Bad Hams marveled at its glory! Why, it wasn't a robot, it was a... a Gundam!

"Ahem!" Dim cleared his throat, looking angry.

Sorry. It's a Gunham! The giant steel hamster landed before the collection of psychotic hamsters. It was colored a magnificent, shining black with white and gold accents and soul-shredding blue "eyes," just like Dim's. In fact, it would've been easier for me to say that it had been modeled after Dim himself, minus the gold, but I wanted to waste your time.

Anyhoo, Vegeta stared at the metal contraption in bewilderment. He didn't know whether to marvel at it or wonder how such tiny creatures could've constructed such a device. Maybe they had received assistance from his ex-wife Bulma. Yeah, that's it. Bulma had been very angry after Vegeta had remarried so quickly, after all.

Dim cackled and climbed up into the open hatch, closed it behind him, and took a seat, strapping in. He then pushed a number of buttons and pulled some levers and the Gunham started up beautifully.

Dimmy's cool voice came out as if over a loud speaker. "Dimscythe will put an end to your pathetic existence, human!!" his voice threatened.

At that moment, Vegeta regretted having purchased the sinister little rat at the pet store. But he didn't have time to curse himself about it. Dim in the Gunham known as Dimscythe lunged forward and grappled with the Saiya-jin Prince. It was surprisingly strong and resilient for a hunk of mobile metal.

From the sidelines, Nil and the rest of the Bad Hams watched and cheered on Dim as Dim had the upper hand on the fight. In the midst of battle, neither warrior noticed when the battery acid dump trucks were accidentally and irreversibly knocked into the water. There was a sickening _ffsssshhh!_ sound as the clean water was poisoned with the battery acid. Although it was now obviously deadly to drink, no visual change took place. This is exactly what Dim had planned for.

---

Kal was a long way away when he realized that the battery acid had been dumped. A fish in a pond nearby popped up to the surface, dead and... _sizzling_... as its scales began to melt off and just its shiny white bones remained.

"Aww, sick!" Kal said in disgust at the graphic death of the fish. Moments later, dozens more suffered the same fate. Kal turned a shade of green similar to that of his spiky hair. "I've got to stop this from killing all those helpless humans!"

Kal miraculously remembered his father teaching him how once the water from the reservoir reached the filtration system plant, there was no taking it back. From the looks of it, the intoxicated water hadn't reached the filtration systems yet. There was still a chance!!

Kal the Great Saiyaham darted off for the water filtration system plant once again, this time with a good deed in mind.


End file.
